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| Whoa-ho, Thank Heaven for Vagina Slime Lights |
| 03.31.04 (1:53 pm) [edit] |
I don' t know if I;ve got much to write about at this point in the day.....
I got a call early this morning from a woman who I babysit for sometimes and she's got some friends who own a furniture store. apparently they are looking for help, and she thought of me because she is so sweet and thoughtful and wonderful. She gaev my name to her friends, and I got in touch with them and I am supposed to have an interview/chat/applicatio n process thing whatever tomorrow after I get outta that job that I just love, Quizno's.
Have I mentioned the bacon incidents? Yeah, I have been there for a little over a month now, I [b]"shouldn't be making any mistakes anymore"[/b]. I[b] "should know the sandwiches by now". [/b]I [b]"should know what type of bacon goes on which type of sub by now[/b]". Two screw-ups and boy I am just the scum of the earth! These people are insane. If someone never comes back to that Quizno's simply because they got bacon strips instead of bacon chips, well, they really need to check theyself. And if that's their big gripe about the world, then they are doin' good. And if the [b]CRAZY[/b] booses cannot see that, and continue to run this place like a goddamn factory-no-i mean a goddamned error-free (unless its them that made a mistake-that's o.k.-they're only human) machine-well, [i][b]I'M OUTTA HEAH[/b].[/i] Hopefully I get the furniture shop job. That would rock.
Hmmm....I keep wanting to come to the computer so I can write write write--but now that I am here-and it is late afternoon and I am tired--I just don't know where the inspiration is supposed to come from.
Here's some stuff i journaled this morning:
Oh yeah, I wanted to mentioni all the fantasies that surge through the non-stop movie reels of my brain. This happens to me most when I am walking somewhere by myself. Or sitting somewhere by myself. Like right now I want a cigarette so badly, and all I keep picturing is some hot little butch gal, walking up to this coffee shop, making eye contact with me, smiling. Walking into the shop. 3 mintues later walking out, pausing....Her strong hands curling around an equally strong cup of coffee...Walking up to my table and asking "is this seat taken?" Without even waiting for an answer, she sits down and pulls out a pack of camel lights. She tilts the pack towards my incredulous but calm face, I nod in silent approval. She takes two out, sticks one in her mouth, one in mine. She brings her scuffed-up Zippo to flame, and dances the flame to the tip of my camel. I inhale, sucking in the dry, familiar taste. My eyes are looking up at her from the angle my face is at--kind of a sly, "come on..." look. She lights her own cancer stick without flinching; without removing her big eyes from mine. I bat my eyelashes absent-mindedly. I am suddenly wearing a black maribou boa, my black flapper dress' beads are clinking against the iron chair I'm seated in. The sound is reminiscent of my old wind chimes. It is vaguely comforting. She is in a pinstriped suit, a crisp white button-up shirt with black leather suspenders. This Butch and I exhale at the same time, which incites mutual smiles.....
So I want a cigarette real bad, but no-one here is unhealthy enough. Everyone rides bikes or has very nice cars (Jettas, BMWs, old Mercedes, etc.). They're all drinking happy coffees and enjoying the prime of their 20s and 30s with bottled water and obssessively clean appearances. Even the slightly more "hip"-looking people have brand new browna nd yellow suede Adidas to match his brown and yellow Old Navy "vintage" t-shirt(or something entirely more expensive; couture and disgusting). They've got wrists swathed in those cool new sweatbands (cuz they weren't worn out in the 80s) and cell phones--gabbing with each other about new businesses, taxes, and their latest personal achievements.
I am just a Nervous Energy Person in the morning when I drink so much of this coffee that is more like crack thatn caffeine.
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| Beautiful Toilet, Here I come |
| 03.28.04 (6:28 pm) [edit] |
Holy shit.
Welllll, right now I don't have much time to rant so I'll just post something I wrote earlier. I was thinking about how I cannot stop feeding my face and sticking things in my mouth like coffee, drinks, cigarettes, food, chocolate, gum, ANYthing. I think its a throw-off of the whole "filling the void" thingn, but more than that, i think its all part of my neurotic ways of dealing with pain and depression and Lonliness...Just filling up the space that could be filled by someone close to me...
I am sick of my sickness
I am tired of wasting away
by myself
So lonely that it impedes any motivation
to go out into the world and meet others
So as to thwart The Big Lonely.
Vicious cycle.
I eat myself until I am
Nothing.
Are there any crumbs left
That I haven't already gotten my
vacuum-face into?
Hoover, me.
Yeah. Something like that.
Right now I have to pee so badly right now but I want to keep writing and I don't want to lose this spot at a puter.
Today, gp and i did some fun big art piece. gluing, nailing, poloroid-taking...It was fun. I keep wanting to be doing arts, so it was a good time. then we went and ate good cheap mexican food at a place that doesnt speak much english, and we don't speak much spanish, so it kinda felt like being in another country again for a minute. Fun.
Oh, the need to urinate is overwhemling....
The other night I met a girl. She is travelling, stopping in austin for who-knows-how-long. Staying at a friends' house. We walked the trail around the lake, we went to a toy store. it was fun, she is nice. we had a very awkward kiss that was not so great. Damn. Hopefully, it was just nerves or something...We were supposed to meet up last night but didn't call each other, so....we'll see what happens....Aat least it gives me hope!
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| Give Me A Day Of Rest-Or Give Me The Opportunity To Run Away |
| 03.24.04 (3:00 pm) [edit] |
Well, I still have'nt gotten my tbucks back, yet. Its kinda lame, cuz I wanna change some things. Whatev.
Man. I am so tired. I just wanna ferget about all this crap and move on. I don't wanna go to court, I don't wanna deal with truck-man, i don't wanna deal with the NY DMV anymore (i found out that my license shouldn't actually be suspended. my insurance lapse was only 20 days long, therefore, the stupid insurance co. and the DAMNED to HELL DMV of lovely NY state, has screwed me yet again. So now I am waiting for action. I have put the necessary swings in motion-I am waiting for Them to keep them going until I have had a satisfying ride on the 'ole gov't swingset. oy vay i hope they don't swing me over and around the top bar.....And no underdogs!!! Unless they want my angry feet to stomp them about. GGGrrrrrrrr i want a massage and a day at a fancy spa. Come on, whoooooo loves me??!!! Who wants ta be my sugarmama or daddy??!!! I know you're out therrrrre.......
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| Fuck The Gov't And All That Red Tape |
| 03.22.04 (2:23 pm) [edit] |
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So i can get free legal advice--IF i qualify (which i probably do)--but i have to APPLY for it first, of course (just like food stamps). And, of course, there are only 2 one-hour sessions per week in which to apply. and i'd have to get on like 3 or 4 buses to get there. i hate the gov't. ONLY TWICE A WEEK. can you fucking believe it??!! actually, this doesnt surprise me at all--i know how much the gov't sucks and how state-funded anything sucks, and all the rest of it. it just pisses me off to no end. and i don't knwo what to do because it all seems like it'll take forever, and i am gonna need MONEY to "officially" not have any money-you know, it costs lotsa MONEY to go BANKRUPT!!!!! because this country is assbackwards. [b]AAARRRGGHH!!!!!!!![/b]
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| Women In Dreams |
| 03.22.04 (6:03 am) [edit] |
O.k....Just woke up...Keep dreaming about running away from fatal things...
It was again winter...In a city...There were many houses in that city that were rooming houses...Like big old victorians that held several families-mostly mothers and daughters. There was a festival going on in the city-everyone was getting ready to go ou to that. the clothing people were wearing was a mixture of modern stuff and victorian-era dress. i knew i was in boots...suddenly there were some people really freaking out on the street. they said something about a killer. we heard more as we walked on, from others. apparently, there was a killer or a few of them working together, killing people and then putting them in washing machines (or dryers??), and leaving them in peoples' houses while they were out or sleeping. we went back to our house, and sure enough, there was a big ole dryer with "dead human" in it-buit it looked like gigantic pieces of pepperoni (maybe that's from dealing with pieces of pepperoni at work). It was so scary. we looked all over the house for the killer, but we didnt see anyone. however, we knew that earlier we had seen a woman dressed in tight black clothing. and she WAS delivering our new washer and dryer...
Suddenly i could not find my mother. i searched high and low, got my sister to help. there were some dudes in the dream, but it was mostly women. Somehow, i found out that the killer was killing peoples' moms, mostly girls' moms. i freaked out and we got on the trolley and the buses, and kept looking for our Mom.
I don't remember if we ever found her....btu we let the town know what was going on...
O.k. Different dream-now i am the daughter of an old fisherman. this is definitely back in the day. we live in the countryside-only a little ways outta town. there is a river that tapers off around our property, but we can take our rowboat and take the river into town. i have long golden hair. i am beautiful and i know it.
some friends of my father's were in his rowboat with us. we came upon another boat, they were policemen. they were trying to make sure our boat was registered. we did not have a sticker for it. i dont think it was up to date. i suddenly was in the water, erotically rising up out of it...My thin white gowns clinging to my every curve. i could feel my nipples hard and visible against my dress. i was flirting HEAVILY with the main cop guy. he was short and pudgy and had dark hair and a bulbous nose. little beady dark eyes that turned into sun disks as they aly upon my soaking wet flesh...my tits were smallish and perfect. they let us go after a little while of me looking Piggie right in the eyes, him eventually looking away and blushing. The other cops were judt delighted to have run into us. but they couldnt do anythign too raunchy cuz my dad was right there. even his friends, though, were staring. he was proud of me, i think. and we got away with having no registration on our boat. Hehehehhhh......
:twisted:
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| Self-Inflicted Delusions of Pallid Angst? NO MORE!!! WHEEEEEE!! |
| 03.21.04 (7:11 pm) [edit] |
Honestly, i dont know why i started smoking those terrible cigarettes again. ever since the beginning of this summer (when i started up again after 4 yrs off of the damn things), i have been quitting on and off. its time again to let go of the lung pain and scratchy throat-ness. uhhhh, yeah.
well, today i spent some time with miss GP and a friend of our's. we went and had a little picnic down by the lake. it was so nice! we lay around on a dock in the sun and the breeze, watching canoers and crew-people rowing their asses off. someday, i will be on a crew team. that's the only organized "sport" i've ever been attracted to, besides basketball, which i mostly like just watching...only if its college ball...and [b]especially[/b] if its college [b]WOMEN'S[/b] ball. yup. mmmmmhhhmmmmm!!!!!
my belly is full of macNsneeze and frozen veggies. and ice cream. i think the cigarettes are just making me feel worse at this point, rather than better in any way. but i think i might give in to them when i'm drinking, which is o.k., cuz i havent been doing much of that lately. THIS bout of smoking death came when i was really depressed and upset a lot last month. i was drinking and smoking every night for a while, and therefore the cigarettes slowly bled into my daily, sober life routine. taking over my rational decision-making prowess. this, instead of just staying where they are supposed to stay; in the closet of booze and resentment. ahhhh, the bitterness of rejection. why must some of us always turn on ourselves at the moments when we should be hugging and loving ourselves the most?! shushing the demons and patting our own backs, giving ourselves props for still being alive and getting through whatever we're getting through? Instead, a lot of us (esp. women) just take it in and reverse the hate...Spilling alcohol down our throats, suffusing ourselves with guilt and the "I'm so stupid to have trusted _______!!!!! never again will I ______!!!!". Ooop-down the gullet with more trash. poisoning our bodies, stewing in our self-pity, building up walls of bitterness, fear and remorse that we call "Self-Defense" for "Next Time". You know??!!! Geez. [b]WHERE'S THE LOVE??!!!![/b] No more self hatred for me!!! I am great!!! And i know it and i will just love and cuddle Me until i find i am ready for more....
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| Anyone Out There Know Legal Stuff???? |
| 03.21.04 (11:14 am) [edit] |
i feel like i am just drifting....i am not dealing with what i am supposed to be dealing with-i am so bad at that. i am a primo-procrastinator. but it happens to be the weekend, and big shots get weekends off,s o i can't really do anything about it anyway. i need to find some free legal adivce...hopefully the county or state gov't has somethign to offer me. then i have to find out how and if i can go bankrupt. then i have to get ahold of the guy who's truck hit mine (but its my fault), and tell him to Yes Go Ahead And Sue The Big Shit Right Outta Me, You Scumbag. I Don't Have a Damn Penny To My Name, Let Alone Any Assets, So Go Ahead And See Where It Gets You. Etc. then i have to find a serious bus schedule, and another job. my life is crazy right now. at least GP is an amazing help to me. she carts me around like nobody's business. i cant wait to get paid on wednesday. i'm gonna pay rent and phone bill and then i'm agonna do something Good. Fun. Something That Counts. we'll see....
i am just pleased by the warmth and companionship that these dogs give me. i am so in love with them. i wish i could have my own, but you know what? it seems to me that the only people who are deserving of dog-companionships are the people who absolutely cannot afford it any time soon. its really shitty. i would be a good mommy-if only i had the money (better and fulltime J-O-B) and time....well, i might have the time. but not the latter. as is life as of now. oh well. someday i will have a little lovebug to cuddle and play with....i love how these dogs liek to curl up and sleep on our clothes. they love us. and i am getting excercise! yay! its all over tomorrow, though.
still strange dreams...can't recall specifically...but i know that i sure did have wierd feeligns when i woke up this morn. really wierd. what's going on with my head these days? maybe its just the stress and the period blood time. or i'm insane. yeah, probably that one.
:twisted:
i would like a copy of that yeah yeah yeahs cd. for a while i didnt hear them or intentionally listen to them cuz they were so popular, i really thought they'd just disappoint me and suck. but i do like them. a lot. so i wanna be able to hear them whenev. gotta find access to a burner.
lord, i am [b]BORING[/b] today, non? oui. i'm outta heah.
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| Poop, Crickets, Iams, Kenny Rogers. |
| 03.20.04 (9:58 pm) [edit] |
Well, back in effect, y'all. It's 11:34 on a Saturday night, and I am blissfully hanging out with dogs and myself. I just watched an '80's movie with Kenny Rogers and a 16 yr old Diane Lane, called Six Pack. It was awesome, of course. It was totally terrible, therefore, [b]awesome[/b]. The tape was labeled "Runaway Bride", so I thought I was getting myself into some cheesy-ass Juila Roberts romantic comedy shit, but lo and behold, I was confronted with a gold-chain, sweat suit-wearing Kenny Rogers...Playing a race car driver. It was destiny. They mentioned Dale Earnhardt (he was a "racer"), and actually Michael Moore worked behind the scenes. I dont know if its THE Michael Moore, but I bet it was, cuz that's how life is. It was great.
I am sleepy but I really wish I had the energy to tell about my fucked up dreams last night. Involving me in Ithaca in the winter...I was not me, though. I was some girl who's father molests her, so I found a gun and was shooting at him one night when I couldnt take it anymore, and my sister and brothers were all around and my sister was holding him up and he was bleeding and wearing a flannel plaid shrit. I ran outta the house (giant house that was falling apart-WHERE were we? I think upstate, but not Ithaca yet). I took off running, in my nightgown and bare feet(?). My sister came after me. We were running away, I'm pretty sure. We were afraid he would kill us if he found us. We were running down a street, but it was more like floating really fast-and we came upon a little lake or river, and a golf course on its shores. There were some trees, and we tried hiding in and around them and some bushes, but we could still be seen by anyone on the road. Finally we found a broken down old fence, but it was still high enough for us to hide behind. It was night, like I said, and now no linger winter but a muggy evening with cloudy sky (like its been here lately). We hear him catching up to us-and I think our mom or brothers were with him-I dont know if they were trying to let us knwo of his whereabouts, or if they didnt know why I went crazy....And that's all of that one. I remember the molesting....I rememebr being turned on by it. I rememebr masturbating earlier in the dream, thinking about "my father". [i][b]HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT??!?!!![/b][/i] WTF??!! Maybe its skewed memories from that movie I saw a few nights ago...That murder movie with Keanu Reeves and Cate Blanchett...You kniw how the crazy guy has those wierd dad issues? UUggghh. I just got chills.
Anyway.....I am just not feeling inspired anymore to write tonight. I wish I had had more time earlier, before Meghan came and got me.
Life withuot a car is hard, especially when you live just close enough to the grocery store to drive there and back quickly--but walking, being there, and walking back would take over 2 hours altogether, probably. All cuz the dogs ran outta food. And I absolutely[b] have[/b] to get Noah a buncha crickets tomorrow. Its been like 2 days since he was supposed to get his 1st dose of 'em (he's M's bearded dragon).
O.k. I gots ta poop. Good time to go. Peace to tha Middle East!!!! :!:
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| Looky Heah----but not finished... |
| 03.20.04 (12:54 pm) [edit] |
I am finally getting to dogsit M's babies. [b]I love these freakin' animals!!![/b] We go on hour or longer walks every day, and we hang out and love each other the rest of the time.[i] Weeeeeee!!![/i]
Last night I went to Cafe Mundi with GP for a big lesbo show!!! It was super-fab---as I heard it was to be-I was not disappointed. There was spoken word performance art stuff (very great), and some cool 2 chick band, and then the Tuna Helpers-the band we went to see. They were fuckin' awesome. I feel like things are finally happening here for me-the things I came here for...I am seeing what I want to see, and meeting good people along the way. Despite the[u][b] RIDICULOUS[/b][/u] messes I've gotten myself into since I've been here...especially my latest disaster. My car-crash-it-got-towed-no -longer-have-it-and-i-sti ll-owe-$3400-on-it. Cool.
Gotta run-be back later-goin out with Meghan.
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| Bloody Universe of Chocolate and Emotional Trainwrecks |
| 03.16.04 (5:53 pm) [edit] |
Well, I DID go out the other night, got real drunk and gave a hot chick ma numbah. but....Haven't been called yet. That's how it goes for me. I go on this BIG LONG DRY SPELL, then-**POOF**- I have to make big decisions between multiple people. Right now, I am in the Dry Spell part. Again. GAWD, could it get any lonelier??? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in my world, and there is really just no one that I am super-close to anymore. Well, actually, that's pretty much the truth of it. I am close with grrlpink these days, but not like attatched-at-the-hip close. This is probably the first time ever that I do not have a person that is inside my head as much as I am...Because I always had Meg (my bestly fiend), but things are just different these days. That's a-o.k. I mean, we hang out and talk and have fun and sometimes she's the only one who can save me from my Inside-Rot, but DAMN. I am really alone right now. Its kind of...humbling, as well as being a source of new life, as well as being just plain ole down right, wretchedly LONELY at times. I guess we all go through this. But wow. How painful it can be....
Officially didn't get that bookstore job that I so desperately wanted. Maybe they'll be hiring again sometime soon and they will remember how fabulous I am.
8)
I bought a new book today. And next week, I will buy another. I like to submerge myself in other lives when mine isn't going the way I want it to...
On the other hand, I DID start the Blood Gush today, so that could explain the emotional storms and whatnot...
GP is going to Sonic Youth. Wish I could go, too!!!
Alright. Time to go buy chocolate and cigarettes, cuz that's just really ALL I WANT right now...Besides the obvious.
Oh-I had some kickass guacamole today and I thought how good it would be slathered over a bar of chocolate...Yup. The Blood.
Blood
Blood
BLOOD.
tha ind.
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| Tie Me UP, Tie Me Down (Amateur Bondage Games) |
| 03.13.04 (6:20 pm) [edit] |
I am feeling so wretched in the gut right now; too much pizza and other foods...My body gearing up to bleed. My tits swollen and achy. Ouch.
bottling the rawest form of emotion would be so dangerous
i mean
taking up my seratonin when i am in love or eating dark chocolate, or taking my pussy juices and putting them in a jar...i bet you could kill someone with that shit.
Swapping spit with men who have marks of the devil on em
speaking in tongues with girls i hardly know
...fluently...
vying for the attentions of someone who'll never
Notice
NOTICE
hmmmm takes me back
to fifth grade
or even further
Talk about a Root!
Slipping my (imagined) fighting hands behind the column that marked the entrance to my
elementary school (Belle Sherman)
Tying them behind me with my red Fire Engine Red sweatshirt
The one that said CORNELL on the front in big, white, Scholarly letters (my hometown university)...
my little 8 year old hands, held almost taut
behind that neverending column of
cement
hard and cold
the sweatshirt was
was warm
and soft
i was coyly writhing,
suggestively (at 8!!!) pleading
for my Prince Charming
to come rescue me from the grips
of
The Evil Whoever...
(I) had tied my smallish self there
I had purposely put myself in this vulnerable,
ages-old position
(Literally...)
So as to be swept away by my Prince
Then there he was before me-a few grades higher than I
Tall,
mocha skin
soft, wiry golden-ish curls
He smiled and undid the Ties That Bound
I was released back into the world as
It Was
But
It never Was
the Same as Before
my deft trick!
Now I knew
The Power of Me
Now I knew
the Power of Chains
of being bound and released
Lovingly, each
My Precious Root....
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| God is a Blob of Angels |
| 03.13.04 (1:25 pm) [edit] |
Right. So. Here at the big, corporate deli place that I go to update this blog sometimes, there is a plethera of screaming children. There are tons of people, too-its Saturday-so I probably won't be able to write for very long...
Sometimes children read things over your shoulder, like what you're writing. Like this one right here. Yup. Hi, kid!
O.k....Anyway...
I am so hungry.
Last night my dreams were pretty crazy. The first one was like a movie-or the part that I can remember was, anyway. I used to be so goiod at remembering and recording all my dreams. Even if I woke up in the middle of the night, I would write whatever I could manage. Now...Well, you can guess.
O.k. So I was travelling with a couple other people-friends of mine. I don't know if I made them up or if I actually know them-I don't remember the faces or anything. We had been helped out by this cute, short angel-chick, and we were now on a quest to find her. We needed help for some reason.
We were on foot, that I remember. We ended up in a dark and cavernous space that was undoubtably underground. We were searching for god, because wherever god was, so the angels would be. Or so went our dream-logic.
So, as I mentioned, the tunnel/hole/underground cavern we had found was very very dark (was it below Earth's ground or were we in another dimension? Sometimes I can't tell in the dream Or I don't recall). The only light was a shaft of thin, very white light apparently originating in the ceiling or ground above us...Was it light from a sky? "heaven"? It was light, nonetheless, and it was kinda dusty...like it was being filtered through a window of a room that hadn't been cleaned out in years...
Against the dirt wall of this place, we walked up to a GIGANTIC BLOB of a mass of bodies. They were heaving and all kind of stuck together, held in by some sort of blobby substance. It was peaceful, though. It wasnt scary...Though it was INTIMIDATING. We just stood there staring in awe at it for a little while, before we asked out loud for our angel. So this is what god looked like. Or maybe god was deeply enveloped inside this severely large Thing. It was like they were all breathing together...Existing through each other...They were all angels. "this is what angels look like...Or at least dirty angels" (?!). So we asked the favor of the blob if it would kindly direct us to our angel-chick (was the outer layer of angel-bodies a protective layer? This is where lived and slept? Were the more important angels on the inside, protected by the inferiors [protecting god Itself?] or on the outside, strong enough to defend whosoever trod the passage????).
Suddenly, the light shifted to rest on a moving body; a body that was breaking free of its home of fleshly blobbiness...This body separated from the flock, stretching and yawning, shoulder-lengthish brown hair tussled as if from sleep. It was her! She was small and cute and sweet-looking. Such creamy clear skin. She smiled at us. She was warm. And safe. We were relieved. The light illuminated her wings-which were nothing like any angel wings I had ever heard of before. The were short-like they hadn't grown past a foot from her shoulders. Those parts of the wings were definitely purely white feathers. However, there was another section of wing-growth. Like on an insect, there were another set of wings, rounded, either behind or in front of the first feather-set...And these were a little lower. Insect-like as well was their material. It looked opaque...Delicate...Like a fly or dragonfly's wings. Like the wings if a ladybug, perhaps...The light, again, was dusty...I guess it was kind of like the light that filters down through big cathedral windows..You know? Bright enough to bring the speckles of dust to our eyes' attentions...
So, yeah. There she was, in the soft light, slowly floating down to us, to help us. She sure was cute. And so nice. So kind...So benevolent. It was nice. But I don't know what we needed her for....
Hmmm...I guess I should go now...Leave this for other peoples' use...I want a fuckin' fudge brownie with walnuts.
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| Wretched, Wretched World. |
| 03.12.04 (6:14 pm) [edit] |
Well. Didn't get to write at all yesterday...Here's what I would have written, had I done anything yesterday:
Had some funny dreams last night. Of really normal stuff. I mean, this stuff could have/would happen(ed).
First, there was Meghan, my bff, saying that she made me a button-we were hanging out at her house 9where I used to live), in the living room. She went to go get it. I dont rememebr what it was, but I was psyched and felt warm and fuzzy that she thought of me to make me a button.
Then, I was somewhere (on the drag?) in a street-daytime setting-on the sidewalk, talking to a couple a kids-a skinhead and a punk kid-they were a little younger than me-streetkids maybe...We were discussing which qualities of boots make for good boots. I said how much I spent on mine, but that they were the best boots ever...
Very realistic.
Now. For today...
I woke up all early for (stupid dumbass Quizno's)work, after not getting to bed till like one or something. I had gone with GP to see the performance/readings of the feminist porn writing class, called GYNOMITE. Well, the class and production was entitled, BREAKING THE CHERRY. But the compiled writings of some of the students and the teacher as well (I'm assuming), is called GYNOMITE: FEARLESS FEMINIST PORN (EROTICA? LITEROTICA? Something like taht. I haven't read the book yet-but I will someday. Anyway, it was awesome and I felt very inspired and happy and full of all kinds of hope upon walking out of the space it was shown in. It was in this coffee shop with a theater in the back. Very cool. The theater was exactly like one in my hometown-all black, small, with ascending steps and seats that scooched out a little for comfort.
All the readings were fabulous-but there were definitely some that stuck out more tahn others. And there were some that were maybe not that enjoyable to us. But it was great that they existed, you know? I guess the class was instructed to do all sorts of writing excersizes like fuck rants, fuck brags, the weirdest places you've fucked, the best and worst fuck, etc. F-U-N. I think I may have fallen in love from afar with one of the readers. She was awesome. Quirky and charming, and didn't even know it. Afterwards, I talked to the woman who ran the whole thing, Liz Belile, and found out that there will be another class this summer which I'll hopefully get to take. Also, I got to shake Charming's hand, which was nice. She was talking to Liz and Liz was talking to both of us, and that's when I realized that she didn't even realize how cute she was-or so it seemed. You never really know what people have lurking underneath their exteriors....
So today after working at my dumb job, even dumber now that I got wind of Bookwoman not hiring me because they "want someone with actual bookstore experience". I found this out from M, who knows one of the managers. They are in the same drag troupe. Anyway, I found taht out yesterday, and I about shot throught hte roof of my car with anger and resentment for all the pretention that bookstores are forever harboring. They always want you to have a degree or whatever, and "real bookstore experience", then they say to you, "we are only able to pay $6.75/hr right now". Ummmm...Like anyone that has a degree wants to get paid anything below $10 or something. UUGGGHH. Then comes the age-old irony: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BOOKSTORE EXPERIENCE IF NO GODDAMNED BOOKSTORE WILL EVER HIRE YOU B/C YOU DON'T HAVE PREVIOUS BOOKSTORE EXPERIENCE?????!!!! AAARRRRGGGHH!!!!!! I just want a job that I can care about and that will fulfill the needs that I want fulfilled by a job-something that will get me in contact with people that I can learn things from. Something that will throw me into the lesbo/feminist/activist community around here. Make new friends. Get closer to being the person I want to be. Quizno's just ain't doin' it fer me here. I am so upset about it. I was thinking about going down there again and talking to them again and telling them about some of the stuff I did with the book section of the co-op I worked in, grasping at straws to persuade them to let me work there, PUHLEEZE!!!
But maybe it would be too much for me. Too involved, you know? Maybe too much estrogen, too much "feminism" according to others, too much activism that i don't fit into. Who knows what it would be like, though, If I dont get a chance to work there???!!! They are stupid and pretentious bastards if they don't hire me. And that's that.
Uggh. I took a nap. I have been kinda angry all day and feeling wierd due to the wierd interaction I had with M yesterday, during which I broke down crying and admitted taht maybe it wasn't her that I wanted. Maybe its just the companionship and passion that I want. Yeah. She agreed. And other stuff was said and we fought-yelled at each other-then of ocurse she gets all calm and zen and I am still fuming and so I look like I'm nuts. She loves to make me seem that way. In reality-I am not the only one who recognizes her blows to me. GP, Meghan, GP's ex, all realize that M's a dog, and pretty much acts like a dick to me. So I'm not fucking crazy. And GP's ex and M are good friends. So. There. :evil:
I cannot write anymore. Instead of being therapy, I think I'm just working myself up. I did have words I wanted to write, but I just cant find them anymore tonight.
UUGgghh. Ick and Boo.
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| Whizz-utt???!!!! |
| 03.10.04 (3:30 pm) [edit] |
I hate the phone sometimes. I just wanna WRITE. Some people just wanna TALK. A lot. Especially ex-coke fiends. nervous energy or something.
Wow. Today is so sunny beautiful out there. My late shift got cancelled, so Iget to bask for a while. In the glow of the puter screen...No, I'm going outside in a bit...First things first...
GP mentioned that she feels crazy-obssessive sometimes. I do, too. Maybe that's why we get along. Maybe we're really nuts, and that's why we havea hard time in some social situations, and that's why we don't wanna go out as oftena s others, and that's why we don't meet others, and that's why we're lonely, and that's why we desperately seek solace in each other. Maybe. And maybe that is also why I am stuck on M and grrlpink is stuck on That Somebody. Maybe we are really obssessive freaks who are seriously dependant on others for self-esteem or proof of self-worth or something. Perhaps my reality is totally skewed from others', and I am fucking neurotically fucked up! I do believe that everyone's got their own Reality Filters, and they let in whatever they want to-or whatever they can at the time. I also believe that its hard to distinguish who's crazier than who, when there are so many varieties of Crazy. And in all honesty-I don't think we're really insane-I think we might have some issues. Just like everybody else, in our own ways. Hehehheh, "I'm different-just like everybody else!"!!!! Yeah, well, that's not as bad as it sounded when I was 16 and really into being as asshole but thinking everybody ELSE was the asshole...You know how it is-the angst just strangles the sense outta ya.
Oy vay....But really, folks. I don't know what it is about M. Maybe I just come from a real small town, and so she seemed like a big, beautiful possibility, all wrapped up in a tall, brown fine-ass thang. Or, maybe it was cuz everything seemed to get shut down way too abruptly, and my heart is still stuck in her one-bedrrom apt., squeezed between the dogs and the wall and her warm body that was so close in size to mine....I guess i felt like we just fit too well to be done for. Physically, well, duh, but other stuff, mostly...And I liked that she was into some different things than I am...Musically as well as other stuff...Oh well. Really, if we were meant to be together, we would be. If she liked me just half as much as I like(D?) her, she would never have been able to say NO to me. To a responsible, monogomous, loving relationship. I guess we actually DON'T fit as well as I once thought we did. Fuck her. Fuck it all.
Today I found out that my very close friends' mother and father (who may as well be my own-and have acted thusly for years)--have seperated and are living apart-he is (and has been secretly) seeing another woman (shock and not-so...its a long story). They are still working together on buddhist and tibetan studies...Which is great..;.But, I mean, WHOA. I was so floored. If they can't work thigns out, I dont know who can....It really drives home the point that people are people, and things change and you really cannot trust any "solid" thing that people say. Till what do us part???!! Yeah. I thought so. If they can't work it out. fahghet about it!!! ferget about M and I, anyway....As well as C and I...Fuck. The whole world is screwed. I just dont get it. I want to be happy like they are in The Princess Bride. I want to have a great, enduring, unending true Love that works and possesses us both-that throws us against the rocks with its whirlpool tides...That suffers us takes us through the wringer, and out the other end smiling with the sun in our hair...It was kind of like that in N'awlinz. Kinda. Jail and all....But nothing like the real, foever thing. And that's what I want. I dont want to die alone. I don't want someone from the County to come find me in my country home, dead and bloated in my rocking chair, after the neighbors report not seeing me for a while. I don't want the mailman to find me gross with flies eating my face, and my dog crouching in a corner, starving to death as well. I don't want that misery. I want Love to be there-to find me-to do whatever it is old lovers do when one of them dies-go on or not, I don't know. I would want Whoever to go on after me. I wouldn't want worlds to stop. But I do want worlds to collidfe-in a good way, while I'm still young and fresh and spry and ready to take on the world....Wherefore art thou, Romeo???!!!!
i am so cheesy and icky sometimes. i sometimes make my own stomach lurch and leap in weirdness. Why is it that my yearning for True Lopve is so cheesy and stupid-seeming? To the rest of the world, as well. Its unattainable. Unreal. Doesn't exist. People have stopped dreaming. Stopped hoping. Its like in The Neverending (or UNending, in some cases...heheheh) Story...We have to keep imagining things up and dreaming and Loving, otherwise we'll all die from encroaching Nothingness. Ew.
Its gonna happen. Someday, Its gonna happen. In a big, beautiful, Hollywood (or indie way, you know, whichever) way. Yeah....I just keep my fingers crossed 24 hours a day...And I don't stop looking forward. And at Now. A therapist once told me that if you've got one foot in Yesterday and one foot in Tomorrow, then you're pissing on Today. She was awesome.
:idea:
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| what happened to the pink parts??? |
| 03.07.04 (4:16 pm) [edit] |
There were 2 pink bars with a border on this damn thang. but not right now. what up wit dat??!!!
Miss grrlpink is sitting right here next to me, resting her little black-haired head on her wrist, writing in her journal. there are some dykes here besides us, too....i think they are, anyway. you never truly know these days...Ever, i guess.
We FINALLY made me up a resume for this feminist bookstore. We did a great one, then BOOM!!! the stupidass puter took it away from us via grrlpink. so i had to cry and make another one. then i made a fancy lil "cover letter" in 15 minutes time, involving 2 polaroid pictures and lots of freestyle-no-revisions-al l-caps black ink words praising the shit out of both myself and the store, as well as life in general...To an extent...We'll see how it goes. I hope i get hired for fuck's sake. I swear. Working at Quizno's and TDM is getting tired....
Some girl just said, "OOUUGHHH!!!! The hairy ape!!!"
It made us smile.
Today is a better day. I am presently playing hooky from TDM, as well....Maybe that's why I feel better right now. I need to ingest some foods....Me so hungraaayyy...
shipping my emotions all over the planet-
sailing them off on the seven seas
to the distance beyond where my
little eyes can see...
i've given so much of myself to other You's,
i don't know what i'm carrying as cargo for me.
i just keep rocking into the blissfulness of
SLEEP
and dreaming things that i cannot remember in full detail-
things that i can barely recall in snippets...
I miss my bigtime fantastical dreams...
I miss being full of images and words that
I register in my depths,
Spewing out onto the shores of my paper when I wake...
And i miss being full of lush gardens that work my mojo
deep into the heart of someone who
loves
to spend time
lapping up my desired flesh and
bone-splintering lust
water from my ducts
spilling into the vessel that
fondles my soft spots...
and eases my hard ones...
Hard-ons...
My hard-on for you...
I miss you, you Fuck.
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| Leave Me to Shuffle Along With the Rest of the Girls |
| 03.06.04 (6:09 pm) [edit] |
Lifting my self up to this light that is blue and has your name written all over it
so that your name becomes written all over my body and my walls
all over the rubble that was my fortress
you brought me to this pleasure place that
parts of me are stuck in-
i continually loop my fingers around
and grasp at the remaining straws-
trying to drag my ravaged self out of that
place that you made for me
it was toppling over with pleasure and
it suffocated me in my own underclothes
i suffered your stares upon my naked body
and i gave my whole S e l f to you
Never Again i keep saying but i know there will be a time when i
break my promises and fall all over my feet and the sidewalk in a drunken stupor called Love
Thanks for so deftly stealing my Trust
more blahhhhhhhs from my facemouthHead...It wont stop. i keep running up against the wall that is M. i cannot purge her from me. i feel like i am at once withering and growing...I cant explain it...Like all at once, my body is slowed, my pulse along with it...My heart has dried up into some little pile of ashes....And yet BBBOOOOOM here i am and i am here and i am raking the leaves in my brain and trying to resurface into this world...trying to remind myself how i am true and real and whole and strong...."you are never given weights that you cannot carry"....
I will carry. And toss. And walk away smiling at the sky and the seas.
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| I miss you already.... |
| 03.05.04 (7:22 pm) [edit] |
I am so done with feeling these splotchey, redfaced angries and all the In-Between-Blues...My face distorts with all this emotional wreckage I've got crashing through me...All these tears force their ways out of my eyeballs....My eyes have become these freeways for saltwater and I am sick of it....
I rock around this town, driving my deathtrap car, listening to musics like Patti Smith and wierd radio shows...And I only think of M and of C and of hospitals and my Papa, who is laying in one in Columbus, dying at 90 years old....It is his time-he has lived long and lush and lovely. He still jokes with the nurses in between consciousness. My cousin and I cannot make it to Ohio-he is stuck in his California existance as I am stuck in my Texan one...Our family is with my Papa and he knows it and my mom told him that I Love Him, and he knows....
your kidneys gave up.
my breath travels to you on wisps of prayer and Love
I hold my gut in wrenching pain
I squeeze everything within reach, trying to get my soul to your's.....
as if I squeeze hard enough, my sheer energy will travel the miles and miles of telephone wire and treetops, to your old-time hands that have held my mother and my aunts and my sister and my cousins and me
in our baby-states
I love you, Papa
you have always been my
Inspiration
and my calibration for human minds
and wit
you will be in my heart for always
Death Does Not Part Us
He's not gone yet, as far as I know...I wonder if I'll wake up when it happens...Or know somehow. I guess if I think of it that way, it won't happen. I think I might have a problem with that sort of jumping the gun way of thinking and feeling.....Sometimes its hard to just Let Things Be....
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| good lard |
| 03.05.04 (6:54 pm) [edit] |
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I just want this think to look like I want it to...... :shock:
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