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| Itchy For More |
| 04.26.04 (1:48 pm) [edit] |
Yeah I havent written in a while here--I havent been around amny puters as of late. No car, rainy days, avoiding more-than-necessary busrides.....
And I've got just ten minutas here....That doesnt help my inspiration!!!
Been mostly just lonely and yucky lately...Emotional, reflective, thinking hard about where I'm at and where I wanna go and the people in my life and who I wish had more space in there...Wishing I could just transport all my good friends down here. Bring the noise. The party. The action. The youth. Remind me that I'm NOT 87 years old yet and that I should be having fun and going out and having friends. Did I mention I miss my friends? A lot? I need 'em like a punk rocker needs to dress like his friends. Heh.
Yeah. I've been avoiding thoughts by watching too much t.v.--when it works. When it doesnt work (it gets fuzzy and stuff-its a bit ghetto in my hizzy) I watch movies or read or sleep or do ANYthing to stave off boredom and pain. Depression. NOT a motivator.
I don't know.....
I talked to Curtis (FINALLY). He is drinking a lot again and trying to find a night bar job and "dating" a bunch of girls again. He's not ready. Nope. But at least its not me-and its not that he chose that ONE girl over me--he just chose his easy party life over me...I could be a partytime, but I would demand monogomy (for the most part), so Out the Window I went....I understand. And I'm glad I didnt sacrifice everything I was ready to-just to be somewhere else with no money and no Boy and no nuthin'. Ay yiyiiyiyiy. Memories make perfection where there is none. I miss him. I wish he was ready for me.
I wanna teach. I've decided that at least...Or re-decided it anyway--confirmed it.
oopos gotta go-gonna be logged off automatically...peace out foo's-----Wandering Heat.....
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| Lovely Nazi Librarians and Other Super-Cops |
| 04.14.04 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
I would like to talk about how much I hate some librarians. The ones who giv eyou these little cards that say "cell phone use is restricted to the enclosed stairwalls on the north side of the building". and she is so rude and nasty and frowns at me the whole time and syas, "and turn your ringer off". Lady, my ringer's not ON, thanks. it vibrates on my ass, that's how I know someone loves me. and she wont leave my face till i hang up the phone. I was also whispering. No one besides the people flanking me could hear. And one of them is busy talking OUT LOUD to his friend who is right here. My clacking keyboard was louder than my mouth. And the guy on my right-HE DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! she just saw me on the phone, that's HER problem. Are people allowed to speak in a public library? To each other? then why cant I whisper into a device. If it was a mini recorder, she wouldn't have said shit. But since its a PHONE, and someone can actually HEAR ME on the other end of the line, I am not allowed to use it. I wasnt beoing lik ethose annoying cell phone people who YELL into the damn thing in restaurants, lines for food, the street, libraries, ETC. I was being polite. She was NOT. I HATE HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Ahem. My grampa died 2 weeks ago. My uncle with Lou Gherig's died yesterday. My poor aunt Pat. Her father and her husband within the same 2 weeks. How terrible. I love her so much. He was a jerk to her and only got worse towards the end, but he was her beloved husband. I love you, Aunt Pat. I'm so sorry.
I still have my job at Quizno's (whoppee), despite being in Ohio for 3 days on death duty. Can you believe these people??!! And then they say that they are the nice, honest people, and they expect the same from us, their workers, and boy did i leave them in a pickle when i took off to Ohio. Even though I TOLD them in advance-2 days, actually. And I said I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO WORK THAT FRIDAY, BUT I'D TRY. but when i ended up missing it though, they got MEAN. Yeah. Real nice people. Good people CAN be assholes. They seem to think they can do no wrong since they are so golden-hearted. UUgghh.
O.k. NOW i just got reprimanded for having a travel mug with coffee in it. At least I got the nice guy, though. He didn't make me leave the building. The guy next to me said that the other security guy made him leave the WHOLE PLACE after discovering him munching on a cookie at an empty table. So Dude puts the cookie in his bag, and cleanly, wuietly waits for an open computer. But Evil Security comes back and even though the fuckin' cookie is INSIDE, HIDDEN IN THE FUCKIN' BAG, he makes him go outside. AWAY. NO FOOD< even in bags. WHAT THE HELL????!!!!! > I am done here. I am too annoyed to go on. I've lost inspiration for creativity. I'm gonna go wait for my friend to come get me (whom I was whispering to on the phone when i was so [i]rudely[/i] interrupted by Miss Assface over there). Then I'm gonna yell and jump around a bunch. Fuck every jerk in the world!! I ain't got no time fer their shit. I get enough at work. :evil: :!:
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| Mess Life Is |
| 04.03.04 (3:28 pm) [edit] |
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I am trying to find my place in all of this.
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| Death and Famdamnily |
| 04.03.04 (3:25 pm) [edit] |
Hey. I am in Columbus (well, right now I am at my aunt's house in the country 'bout 45 minutes outta the city of columbus, but whatev--we run all over this town and county, for our family is many. And we love). My grandfather died last night at 7 p.m. it had been a long time coming and it was his time, FOR SURE. he was still saying funny things right up untili the end...For instance, a nurse came in to check on him and said, "hey, pat, you're looking better today!" and Papa said, "Well, I changed the shade of my lipstick". He is so fucking hardcore. Amazing. My greatest teacher.
Everyone is arranging the funeral services, calling family and friends to let them know, etc., etc. Its really crazy. He was a huge part of all our lives. Some families have Matriarchs (like my dad's side of the fam). Some have Patriarchs. He was definitely the King of our clan. And grandma was the queen; she devoted most of her life to keeping him alive. There have been some very intense moments. At his bedside, after he was Gone, my gramma was holding his hand and crying and said, "He's my Love". it was the weeping of an old woman who just lost her One and Only True Love--hard to come by....
At my aunt's house, my uncle is dying of Lou Gherig's Disease. He's been diagnosed for almost 6 months now. Every day it gets worse. He was just losing his speech in July. Now he cannot talk at all, cannot move, walk, anything. He is alert, he watches things, but mostly he is just angry and motionless. He treats my aunt worse than he did when he was well. She has never faught anything so hard in her life, it seems. She just keeps going, feeding him, bathing him, helping him use the bathroom from his spot on the chair. It is so hard. She's got 3 daughters, my cousins, and 2 sisters (my mom and other aunt). We are helping as much as we can...She is so strong. As is Gramma.
Luckily, my big dyke cousin took me out to the hugeass gay bar she used to work at. I got fucking drunk and happy. And we bonded. There are 2 in our family.....
2 of my cousins have babies. The older one has 2 babies-1 1/2 yrs and 3 months. The younger mother has her first born-barely a month old. Amazing. Amazing how thigns happen. My Papa dies and here come new babes, redfaced and big-lunged, wrinkly little bundles of Nuthin' but Love, diapers and breast milk. For the most part....
I have to break right now. I am really tired and cant think of anything inspired right at the momentito.
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| Death and Car Crashes |
| 04.01.04 (4:20 pm) [edit] |
Well-o-well-o-well. What a crazy day. Actually it started last night.
O.k. I get this call from my uncle Jim who is leaving for Ohio again "tomorrow", which at this time means Today...anyway so he calls and tells me that despite all the crazy shuffling my grandfather back and forth between nursing homes that let him get huge gigantic blood infections to the ER to a different nursing home that is "Good"...Well, he is finally ready to Go. They are taking him off machines and all that in the next couple hours/days, I could'nt really get a clear reading, as my family speed-talks in bunched-up crinkley conversation blurbs of out-of-order events...So I'm not sure exactly what's going on--just that Papa is truly on his last little legs. Finally. And, finally as well, my aunt and uncle have chosen to pay for me and my cousin to fly up to Ohio to go to the funeral--and hopefully spend some time with Papa before he goes. How wierd this all is...To me, it sounds like maybe they are acting more like they are "putting him to sleep" than letting him Go...I don't know-its all wierd and I havent been around when this part of things happen ever, so who knows. I have had a lot of family members die-and a few people I knew,, but this is different. I was realllllllly close with Papa--I have a whole lifetime of memories involving him-rather than just a few years like with my dad-or other ways of remembering...Like with my uncles and great aunts and friends/aquaintances taht have Gone Away....All very strange. But, yet again, I feel myself falling back into the role that I play with my family--I am The Rock and they are the sobbing mermaids crying the ocean, abandoned once again...I think I might sound resentful. I had a shrink once that told me I sounded that way when I spoke of the way my family deals with Death versus the way I deal with it; and how each of us affects the others...I used to just give some hugs and retreat to my bedroom-My Cave-as my mother and sister let the Atlantic spill out of their bodies, seemingly flooding the whole world with their angst....I would just put on music-let a few tears squeeze their ways outta my otherwise dry eyeball sockets, and go on with life. I would get angry-cut myself or something else. I might call friends and go drinking...Now, these days, I will probably just hug people, stand around with tears in my eyes--stand myself to the Rock of Me and hopefully get drunk with the rest of the family later on. Talk to friends. Write. Draw. Yeah, I used to do that stuff, too. I wasn't all self-destruction and teen angst....I produced and therapied myself, too...
O.k...I think I've got to go. More happened today--the guy who's truck I hit came into my work yelling at me while I just stood there, helpless in my stupid black uniform with ugly khaki pants (could khaki pants be anything OTHER than ugly??!!), hating him and everything he's trying to do to me. Intimidate and frighten me into giving him money. Like I have anything "extra". Yeah. FUCK HIM.
Anyway, gotta go cuz I can't take up all this time when others are waiting....
Peace out----HR
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