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Self-Inflicted Delusions of Pallid Angst? NO MORE!!! WHEEEEEE!!
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| Self-Inflicted Delusions of Pallid Angst? NO MORE!!! WHEEEEEE!! |
| 03.21.04 (7:11 pm) [edit] |
Honestly, i dont know why i started smoking those terrible cigarettes again. ever since the beginning of this summer (when i started up again after 4 yrs off of the damn things), i have been quitting on and off. its time again to let go of the lung pain and scratchy throat-ness. uhhhh, yeah.
well, today i spent some time with miss GP and a friend of our's. we went and had a little picnic down by the lake. it was so nice! we lay around on a dock in the sun and the breeze, watching canoers and crew-people rowing their asses off. someday, i will be on a crew team. that's the only organized "sport" i've ever been attracted to, besides basketball, which i mostly like just watching...only if its college ball...and [b]especially[/b] if its college [b]WOMEN'S[/b] ball. yup. mmmmmhhhmmmmm!!!!!
my belly is full of macNsneeze and frozen veggies. and ice cream. i think the cigarettes are just making me feel worse at this point, rather than better in any way. but i think i might give in to them when i'm drinking, which is o.k., cuz i havent been doing much of that lately. THIS bout of smoking death came when i was really depressed and upset a lot last month. i was drinking and smoking every night for a while, and therefore the cigarettes slowly bled into my daily, sober life routine. taking over my rational decision-making prowess. this, instead of just staying where they are supposed to stay; in the closet of booze and resentment. ahhhh, the bitterness of rejection. why must some of us always turn on ourselves at the moments when we should be hugging and loving ourselves the most?! shushing the demons and patting our own backs, giving ourselves props for still being alive and getting through whatever we're getting through? Instead, a lot of us (esp. women) just take it in and reverse the hate...Spilling alcohol down our throats, suffusing ourselves with guilt and the "I'm so stupid to have trusted _______!!!!! never again will I ______!!!!". Ooop-down the gullet with more trash. poisoning our bodies, stewing in our self-pity, building up walls of bitterness, fear and remorse that we call "Self-Defense" for "Next Time". You know??!!! Geez. [b]WHERE'S THE LOVE??!!!![/b] No more self hatred for me!!! I am great!!! And i know it and i will just love and cuddle Me until i find i am ready for more....
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