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| Death and Car Crashes |
| 04.01.04 (4:20 pm) [edit] |
Well-o-well-o-well. What a crazy day. Actually it started last night.
O.k. I get this call from my uncle Jim who is leaving for Ohio again "tomorrow", which at this time means Today...anyway so he calls and tells me that despite all the crazy shuffling my grandfather back and forth between nursing homes that let him get huge gigantic blood infections to the ER to a different nursing home that is "Good"...Well, he is finally ready to Go. They are taking him off machines and all that in the next couple hours/days, I could'nt really get a clear reading, as my family speed-talks in bunched-up crinkley conversation blurbs of out-of-order events...So I'm not sure exactly what's going on--just that Papa is truly on his last little legs. Finally. And, finally as well, my aunt and uncle have chosen to pay for me and my cousin to fly up to Ohio to go to the funeral--and hopefully spend some time with Papa before he goes. How wierd this all is...To me, it sounds like maybe they are acting more like they are "putting him to sleep" than letting him Go...I don't know-its all wierd and I havent been around when this part of things happen ever, so who knows. I have had a lot of family members die-and a few people I knew,, but this is different. I was realllllllly close with Papa--I have a whole lifetime of memories involving him-rather than just a few years like with my dad-or other ways of remembering...Like with my uncles and great aunts and friends/aquaintances taht have Gone Away....All very strange. But, yet again, I feel myself falling back into the role that I play with my family--I am The Rock and they are the sobbing mermaids crying the ocean, abandoned once again...I think I might sound resentful. I had a shrink once that told me I sounded that way when I spoke of the way my family deals with Death versus the way I deal with it; and how each of us affects the others...I used to just give some hugs and retreat to my bedroom-My Cave-as my mother and sister let the Atlantic spill out of their bodies, seemingly flooding the whole world with their angst....I would just put on music-let a few tears squeeze their ways outta my otherwise dry eyeball sockets, and go on with life. I would get angry-cut myself or something else. I might call friends and go drinking...Now, these days, I will probably just hug people, stand around with tears in my eyes--stand myself to the Rock of Me and hopefully get drunk with the rest of the family later on. Talk to friends. Write. Draw. Yeah, I used to do that stuff, too. I wasn't all self-destruction and teen angst....I produced and therapied myself, too...
O.k...I think I've got to go. More happened today--the guy who's truck I hit came into my work yelling at me while I just stood there, helpless in my stupid black uniform with ugly khaki pants (could khaki pants be anything OTHER than ugly??!!), hating him and everything he's trying to do to me. Intimidate and frighten me into giving him money. Like I have anything "extra". Yeah. FUCK HIM.
Anyway, gotta go cuz I can't take up all this time when others are waiting....
Peace out----HR
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posted by: grrlpink (reply)
post date: 04.01.04 (4:25 pm)
im sorry you had a shitty day. ill call you when i get off work. still here ay 622 right now. ugh. i love you.
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