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FUCK ALL

10.17.04 (4:50 am) [edit]

SO. I am fuckinall drunk as shit and ihavent been for weeks. SO. yes. and thennnnn.......i'll tell ya....I asm fuckin wantin someone to go to sleep next to who loves me. well fuck it all.....i should just drink some water and go to sleep....yeah;l;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;'....

f u tblog.com!

09.10.04 (2:01 pm) [edit]

ohmyGOD i just wrote a whole big THING and it all got ERASED somehow because i know that this damn site is actually run by SATAN himself, and TODAY FUCKING SUCKS GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Tightening the Rains

09.10.04 (1:59 pm) [edit]

:arrow: :arrow: :arrow: OH YEAH!!! I"M GOING TO GO SEE MOTORHEAD ON THE 17th!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!

ROCK ON

06.11.04 (11:43 am) [edit]

It has been raining so much here, I can barely go anywhere without a garbage bag over my body, and feeling like I am in the army, wading through feets and feets of waters, soaking my combat boots and ruing my work clothes. So i pay money for cabs to take me to a drier bus stop. its really funny, if i throw out the part about spending $7 almost every day on cabs.....
I am really enjoying my new job. Most of the kitchen is Mexican dudes, and I've made good work friends, and maybe more with a couple people...Made out a few times with one of em. He can barely speak english, I can barely speak spanish. Its perfect. But we are teaching each other, and I got another book on learning espanol, so THAT is superfun. I lvoe languages, especially spanish...Its pretty easy to learn, (compared to other languages) and its HOTT. AND jujst about every 3rd person down here has it for their native laguage, so I figure that its gonna be real useful to know....Also, the hispanic population in the states is growing so rapidly that in another 20 yrs or so, we best know how to communicate. Its only fair. We force everyone to learn our language (or struggle like mad), and we barely put in an ounce of effort to teach our people non-native tongues. Americans are so lazy. Stupid. Lame. Not all, of course, just a lot of 'em/us.
Welllllllly well then. I'm gonna go catch a bus I guess, before it starts pouring again....Going to my other job. OH!!!! Today was officially my last day at Quizno's Corporate Circus. YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Things are getting much better. I knew that if I held out, they would..... :twisted: :idea:

button/magnet mania

05.24.04 (4:40 pm) [edit]

we are really goin' for it. i am distracted as usual. tv and internet and dog and oh man i am so totally ADD its amazing. i don't actually think that's the way it is for me, but sometimes i feel like it is....o.k...back to tv. boy am i HUNGRY!! OHMYGAWD I GOT A 2ND JOB FINALLY!!! WOOHOOOOOO!!! i rock.

Meteor Moments in the Mind

05.17.04 (7:44 am) [edit]

Well, its 9:21 a.m. now and I am gearing up to head downtown to the job of all jobs. i got a mosquitoe bite this morning! Already they are out and on attack missions. If there's any animal or insect on this globe that I hate more than right-wing conservatives, [i][b]its mosquitoes!!!![/b][/i] As a matter of fact, now that I think about it...Those fuckers are very similar....Maybe I don't hate the mosquritters that much....But I do dispise them. You can't get away from 'em, and their bite is worse thean their bark, for sure. A large welt is now growing itself on my leg.

O.k...Dreams. WHOA, betty. Railroad tracks, double-decker buses in which the top deck is off-center and and about to fall off and kill people, strange lovers who remind me of, but are certainly NOT Curtis....And last night's wierdness, which I cannot remember right now.

Here's something someone recently showed me. It meant a lot at the time to us; I'm not sure if anyone else will read it the same way:
R.E.M. ember......
See how they make the word "remember"? Think about it. Sparks of memory, the fire that burns within us all, the link between sleep and memory banks and images that cause us humans to run through amazing marathons of emotion in a matter of seconds....All of this. We are truly amazing creatures. Blessed. All of us. If only we all had the luxury of being able to appreciate the entire schematics of our design...Without having to worry about getting to work on time, etc.....All the contraints of our present situation. This is [b]all [/b]grand.....
Or maybe this is just another testament to my infallible big dorkdom. :idea:

Meteor Moments in the Mind

05.17.04 (7:38 am) [edit]

I WISH every day was like sunday....

05.16.04 (7:24 pm) [edit]

But today wasn't silent or grey at all. I DID go to that party last night. And I met some amazing people. Who are moving away on Wednesday. That's why the party happened in the first place. This is how life goes.
I took a shower around 9:45/10 p.m. I hopped in the dark green 1995 Ford Escort that I get to bop around in for the next couple of days. Have I mentioned I got my license back?! The bastards realized their mistakeS. Good. Anyway, so I am in the car, rocking out to Iron Maiden (always puts me in a good mood). I glide down I-35 with the windows down-allowing that warm Texas wind to freshen my disposition. I stop by the 7-11 near the party neighborhood. I grab a tall boy of OE (cuz I gots ta play it old school sometimes--esp. when there was nothing else that lit my fancy--and its only a buck 30. Rock. I run into this kid outside who's spare changing and I give him a little and pet the dog he's hanging out with. I realize that I've met this dog before, down on 6th street last month or somethin'. Shanks is the dog, the dude he was with was this travelling guy called Puck. But I guess Puck left town again, and left the BEAUTIFUL rednosed pit mix with his girlfriend. Who HAPPENS to be this chick I used to work with at the wierdass telephone calling place. This is NOT the 1st coincidence of the evening. I try to get the kids to come with me to the party, but they've got plans. The boy's finding this dude who's letting him stay on his couch that night, the chick is wandering 6th street with that incredible dog. O.k. I'm off.
To the party. Couldn't remember [i]exactly[/i] where it was, but I found it anyway. I'm good at finding parties. Its something I learned a while back. Hehheheh. So yeah. Bust out the OE in the brown bag [i]of course[/i], and rock it. I instantly met some people that I got along with swimmingly...And I saw the kids that invited me--I felt comfortable there...Even by myself...I met some really great kids. This one kid was REALLY feeling me. ME!!!! I mean, heelllooooo, this does not happen to me. I was so fucking flattered I could'nt even stand around him for more than a couple of minutes. I chatted with people here and there...I saw some others that I used to work with at the same place...! I got involved early on in the evening with these 2 kids--a chick and a dude...The dude was DEFINITELY trying to get into HER pants-and at one point, we were talking about all making out together. It was really funny how it was. Itw as all so casual and like whatever, no pressure or anything wierd. It was pretty fun just all flirting-even though we never ended up making out. I do not regret that, seeing as I found the guy to be pretty into himself (surprise, surprise), pretentious, blah blah blah, "I used to have a coke habit that's why I'm so skinny. I used to listen to punk all the time..You know...screeching weasel, the clash, the ramones are the best blahblahblah, i am so beautiful blahblahblah." that sort of thing. Ummmmmm, did you say PUNK, cuz I think, well maybe I'm being a dick, but...Ohhhh I dunno. Whatev. I don't htink you were a "punk" if you actually honestly consider yoursefl to be POSTpunk, I.e., "punk" was just somethign that you took a dip in for a while like a pool or something...I mean, even if you don't dress liek it anymore, there are ways that people act that seem to indicate how they grew up...And if you "were" (pat-tense) a "punk"....Like this kid "was a punk but not till i was like 18 or 19". What? Waht are you talking about? All of a sudden you foudn yourself a punk? at that age? i dont hink so, honey. Mayeb you like the music and how "free" the whole culture seemed, but YOU...I dunno. I know I sound like one of those punker-than-thou kids, but I don't think I have to be non-judgemental about this character I met last night. I mean, I guess his day could have been wierd, or maybe he was in a mood or something. All I know is that anyone I've ever met that is or grew up with "punk" (oh lord you know how much I hate labels, hence the quotations marks butchya gotta have words to relate to others with) has never considered it totally and completely gone form their lives, i.e., referring to it in the past tense, i.e., "I was a punk". Right. ya get me? I may not be making much sense to anyone but myself...ANYWAY, continuing on...:
The funny thing is that the gal was so fucking rad and she was talking lewdly and bawdily and raw all night long and she wouldnt let him have her at all. She just says whatever she wants to and whatever she's thinking to whoever-and she DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT. She obviously wasn't trying to tease him or anything. She was just being herself. Very open and honest and it blew me away and reminded me of people I knew, and how badly I miss those kinds of folk in my direct, every day life. ESPECIALLY now that I'm working at Quizno's in the business district, which is laden with uppity and not-so-uppity-but-still-v ery-surface customers/situations that "require" most people to act that way. SO. I was absolutely REfreshed by this girl. I gave her my phone number and email address, and I am just praying that she didn't lose it in her drunken shananigans last night--or just simply not uses it. Cuz I think we would have fun hanging out.
ANYWAY, really I am getting to the parts that are more interesting. 1st of all, there was this homeless travelling hippie-guy there who, I shit you not, USED TO LIVE IN THE SAME CO-OP AS I DID IN MY HOMETOWN. We just lived there a year or so apart, so we wern't housemates, really...But I thought I recognized his crazy eyes and swarthy appearance from somewhere....Around my town, I guess. That was nuts. BUT GET THIS. THIS is even nuttier:
THE GUY WHO FOUND ME SO ATTRACTIVE (he kept saying things to me all night that flattered me BEYOND belief...I mean, I haven't been spoken to in that respectful, lusty way in.....damn. MONTHS. Months. and months. It was so fucking awesome. So I didnt plan on it, but that's the best way, I guess. That's right, we did it, and I am psyched. He is an incredible person--someone I can see myself being very close friends with if we kept in touch...Really, I couldnt have hooked up with anyone better, I do believe. And he as well as a few others there reminded me of some of my pals back home, which always makes for an immediate response, be it good or bad. This was all good, though. Phew. The circumstances, the moment, the mood, everything was just great. It all just fell into place like life is supposed to do for us. His mind has got its own planetary system, i think. By this, I mean to say that he is [i]intensely[/i] bright and articulate and interesting and down to earth at the same time. Really fab. We got along very well, very naturally. However, and I'm wondering what the deal is with this...I was thinking a lot of the time we were doin' it that I wished it was a girl, or Curtis. I am such an asshole. But we cannot help our instincts. It was just going through my head like thigns do sometimes while sex is happening...I mean, he was good (for being drunk esp., AND a boy)...But, you know....I'm just such a big queer. So its just hard to be objective when you've had the most amazing dyke sex ever. Its hard to let anything else be good enough...HOWEVER, I am one who is VERY open to suggestion of all sorts, and that includes open to opportunity-of which I took with reckless abandon last night. the whole thing inspired pride and the motivation to keep me doing that (taking chances, talking to "strangers", etc.)....As well as re-establishing my sanity and general o.k.-ness. I was getting worried about me lately...I feel a lot better now. That I MADE myself leave the house. That someone could see these things in me...The things that I always think about when I get rejected or overlooked as usual (like, "but i'm so cool. and nice; and good' and smart. and fabulous!!! why did they ditch me??!!!" those kindsa things)That someone could think I was "too hot, this is TOO hot....", he kept saying...I mean, WOW. What a wonderful experience. I am so thankful. I am so glad I left the house last night!!! Cuz i almost didn't....

I know this is all mish-mash and probably is full of a lot of run-on sentences and stuff. But you know what? I dont care. I am tired as hell and my thoughts are happening jsut as I write them. ANd that's the way it is tonight.
He spoke about just BEing. and also about interesting coincidences having to do with language and feelings and experience and subconscious things we do...I can't explain it all. I just haven't been involved in this sort of talk FOR SO LONG--and with a new person-it was just so great. I am just so thankful to the Powers that Be. I feel blessed tonight. amyn. ha! :idea:

Delicious Summer

05.15.04 (4:21 pm) [edit]

Ahhhhhh its like a vacation. I'm doggy-sitting/housesittin g at Meg's--my old jammy-jam. I get to drive her car, which is a standard (ahhhhhh, control....). This means freedom for the weekend. Dispensing of resumes, dog-park-ing, sunburns and swimming with the pup. I think she might be one of my best friends, this pup. I got her with Meg before I moved out, so she is part mine (well, I'm her Goshmom, anyway)...And we know and love each other fer sher. Its real nice. I also got invited to a shindig tonight, which is nice. I think I'll go. I think I'll buy some beers, too, cuz I've been havin' a hankrin' lately.
Listening to The Prarie Home Companion now. Right now its the Dusty and other cowboy (don't remember his name) time. I love them. One of my favorite parts of the show.
I am soooo sunburnt right now. Hallie and I went to Barton Springs and swam and frolicked about alllll day long. For like...Hmmm...4 hours or more. Itw as fab. We are a bit tuckered out-but not all the way plummed. She's sleeping under my chair. We love, you see.
My thighs are burnt. I dont think they've ever been before...Due to the lack of sunlight EVER on them.
Alright.....I've got a whoppin' sun-headache. Gotta eat some sugar. Peace out.

8)

DINNERTIME

05.09.04 (5:21 pm) [edit]

I am hanging out at my friend Meghan's house. We is gonna cook some chikkin and spicy peanut sate shiiiiiit. Its gonna be good.
I am so fukkin hungry. I'm gonna eat something WHILE shopping.

Itchy For More

04.26.04 (1:48 pm) [edit]

Yeah I havent written in a while here--I havent been around amny puters as of late. No car, rainy days, avoiding more-than-necessary busrides.....
And I've got just ten minutas here....That doesnt help my inspiration!!!
Been mostly just lonely and yucky lately...Emotional, reflective, thinking hard about where I'm at and where I wanna go and the people in my life and who I wish had more space in there...Wishing I could just transport all my good friends down here. Bring the noise. The party. The action. The youth. Remind me that I'm NOT 87 years old yet and that I should be having fun and going out and having friends. Did I mention I miss my friends? A lot? I need 'em like a punk rocker needs to dress like his friends. Heh.
Yeah. I've been avoiding thoughts by watching too much t.v.--when it works. When it doesnt work (it gets fuzzy and stuff-its a bit ghetto in my hizzy) I watch movies or read or sleep or do ANYthing to stave off boredom and pain. Depression. NOT a motivator.
I don't know.....
I talked to Curtis (FINALLY). He is drinking a lot again and trying to find a night bar job and "dating" a bunch of girls again. He's not ready. Nope. But at least its not me-and its not that he chose that ONE girl over me--he just chose his easy party life over me...I could be a partytime, but I would demand monogomy (for the most part), so Out the Window I went....I understand. And I'm glad I didnt sacrifice everything I was ready to-just to be somewhere else with no money and no Boy and no nuthin'. Ay yiyiiyiyiy. Memories make perfection where there is none. I miss him. I wish he was ready for me.
I wanna teach. I've decided that at least...Or re-decided it anyway--confirmed it.
oopos gotta go-gonna be logged off automatically...peace out foo's-----Wandering Heat.....

Lovely Nazi Librarians and Other Super-Cops

04.14.04 (1:09 pm) [edit]

I would like to talk about how much I hate some librarians. The ones who giv eyou these little cards that say "cell phone use is restricted to the enclosed stairwalls on the north side of the building". and she is so rude and nasty and frowns at me the whole time and syas, "and turn your ringer off". Lady, my ringer's not ON, thanks. it vibrates on my ass, that's how I know someone loves me. and she wont leave my face till i hang up the phone. I was also whispering. No one besides the people flanking me could hear. And one of them is busy talking OUT LOUD to his friend who is right here. My clacking keyboard was louder than my mouth. And the guy on my right-HE DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! she just saw me on the phone, that's HER problem. Are people allowed to speak in a public library? To each other? then why cant I whisper into a device. If it was a mini recorder, she wouldn't have said shit. But since its a PHONE, and someone can actually HEAR ME on the other end of the line, I am not allowed to use it. I wasnt beoing lik ethose annoying cell phone people who YELL into the damn thing in restaurants, lines for food, the street, libraries, ETC. I was being polite. She was NOT. I HATE HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Ahem. My grampa died 2 weeks ago. My uncle with Lou Gherig's died yesterday. My poor aunt Pat. Her father and her husband within the same 2 weeks. How terrible. I love her so much. He was a jerk to her and only got worse towards the end, but he was her beloved husband. I love you, Aunt Pat. I'm so sorry.
I still have my job at Quizno's (whoppee), despite being in Ohio for 3 days on death duty. Can you believe these people??!! And then they say that they are the nice, honest people, and they expect the same from us, their workers, and boy did i leave them in a pickle when i took off to Ohio. Even though I TOLD them in advance-2 days, actually. And I said I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO WORK THAT FRIDAY, BUT I'D TRY. but when i ended up missing it though, they got MEAN. Yeah. Real nice people. Good people CAN be assholes. They seem to think they can do no wrong since they are so golden-hearted. UUgghh.
O.k. NOW i just got reprimanded for having a travel mug with coffee in it. At least I got the nice guy, though. He didn't make me leave the building. The guy next to me said that the other security guy made him leave the WHOLE PLACE after discovering him munching on a cookie at an empty table. So Dude puts the cookie in his bag, and cleanly, wuietly waits for an open computer. But Evil Security comes back and even though the fuckin' cookie is INSIDE, HIDDEN IN THE FUCKIN' BAG, he makes him go outside. AWAY. NO FOOD< even in bags. WHAT THE HELL????!!!!! > I am done here. I am too annoyed to go on. I've lost inspiration for creativity. I'm gonna go wait for my friend to come get me (whom I was whispering to on the phone when i was so [i]rudely[/i] interrupted by Miss Assface over there). Then I'm gonna yell and jump around a bunch. Fuck every jerk in the world!! I ain't got no time fer their shit. I get enough at work. :evil: :!:

Mess Life Is

04.03.04 (3:28 pm) [edit]

I am trying to find my place in all of this.

Death and Famdamnily

04.03.04 (3:25 pm) [edit]

Hey. I am in Columbus (well, right now I am at my aunt's house in the country 'bout 45 minutes outta the city of columbus, but whatev--we run all over this town and county, for our family is many. And we love). My grandfather died last night at 7 p.m. it had been a long time coming and it was his time, FOR SURE. he was still saying funny things right up untili the end...For instance, a nurse came in to check on him and said, "hey, pat, you're looking better today!" and Papa said, "Well, I changed the shade of my lipstick". He is so fucking hardcore. Amazing. My greatest teacher.
Everyone is arranging the funeral services, calling family and friends to let them know, etc., etc. Its really crazy. He was a huge part of all our lives. Some families have Matriarchs (like my dad's side of the fam). Some have Patriarchs. He was definitely the King of our clan. And grandma was the queen; she devoted most of her life to keeping him alive. There have been some very intense moments. At his bedside, after he was Gone, my gramma was holding his hand and crying and said, "He's my Love". it was the weeping of an old woman who just lost her One and Only True Love--hard to come by....
At my aunt's house, my uncle is dying of Lou Gherig's Disease. He's been diagnosed for almost 6 months now. Every day it gets worse. He was just losing his speech in July. Now he cannot talk at all, cannot move, walk, anything. He is alert, he watches things, but mostly he is just angry and motionless. He treats my aunt worse than he did when he was well. She has never faught anything so hard in her life, it seems. She just keeps going, feeding him, bathing him, helping him use the bathroom from his spot on the chair. It is so hard. She's got 3 daughters, my cousins, and 2 sisters (my mom and other aunt). We are helping as much as we can...She is so strong. As is Gramma.
Luckily, my big dyke cousin took me out to the hugeass gay bar she used to work at. I got fucking drunk and happy. And we bonded. There are 2 in our family.....
2 of my cousins have babies. The older one has 2 babies-1 1/2 yrs and 3 months. The younger mother has her first born-barely a month old. Amazing. Amazing how thigns happen. My Papa dies and here come new babes, redfaced and big-lunged, wrinkly little bundles of Nuthin' but Love, diapers and breast milk. For the most part....
I have to break right now. I am really tired and cant think of anything inspired right at the momentito.

Death and Car Crashes

04.01.04 (4:20 pm) [edit]

Well-o-well-o-well. What a crazy day. Actually it started last night.
O.k. I get this call from my uncle Jim who is leaving for Ohio again "tomorrow", which at this time means Today...anyway so he calls and tells me that despite all the crazy shuffling my grandfather back and forth between nursing homes that let him get huge gigantic blood infections to the ER to a different nursing home that is "Good"...Well, he is finally ready to Go. They are taking him off machines and all that in the next couple hours/days, I could'nt really get a clear reading, as my family speed-talks in bunched-up crinkley conversation blurbs of out-of-order events...So I'm not sure exactly what's going on--just that Papa is truly on his last little legs. Finally. And, finally as well, my aunt and uncle have chosen to pay for me and my cousin to fly up to Ohio to go to the funeral--and hopefully spend some time with Papa before he goes. How wierd this all is...To me, it sounds like maybe they are acting more like they are "putting him to sleep" than letting him Go...I don't know-its all wierd and I havent been around when this part of things happen ever, so who knows. I have had a lot of family members die-and a few people I knew,, but this is different. I was realllllllly close with Papa--I have a whole lifetime of memories involving him-rather than just a few years like with my dad-or other ways of remembering...Like with my uncles and great aunts and friends/aquaintances taht have Gone Away....All very strange. But, yet again, I feel myself falling back into the role that I play with my family--I am The Rock and they are the sobbing mermaids crying the ocean, abandoned once again...I think I might sound resentful. I had a shrink once that told me I sounded that way when I spoke of the way my family deals with Death versus the way I deal with it; and how each of us affects the others...I used to just give some hugs and retreat to my bedroom-My Cave-as my mother and sister let the Atlantic spill out of their bodies, seemingly flooding the whole world with their angst....I would just put on music-let a few tears squeeze their ways outta my otherwise dry eyeball sockets, and go on with life. I would get angry-cut myself or something else. I might call friends and go drinking...Now, these days, I will probably just hug people, stand around with tears in my eyes--stand myself to the Rock of Me and hopefully get drunk with the rest of the family later on. Talk to friends. Write. Draw. Yeah, I used to do that stuff, too. I wasn't all self-destruction and teen angst....I produced and therapied myself, too...
O.k...I think I've got to go. More happened today--the guy who's truck I hit came into my work yelling at me while I just stood there, helpless in my stupid black uniform with ugly khaki pants (could khaki pants be anything OTHER than ugly??!!), hating him and everything he's trying to do to me. Intimidate and frighten me into giving him money. Like I have anything "extra". Yeah. FUCK HIM.
Anyway, gotta go cuz I can't take up all this time when others are waiting....
Peace out----HR

Whoa-ho, Thank Heaven for Vagina Slime Lights

03.31.04 (1:53 pm) [edit]

I don' t know if I;ve got much to write about at this point in the day.....
I got a call early this morning from a woman who I babysit for sometimes and she's got some friends who own a furniture store. apparently they are looking for help, and she thought of me because she is so sweet and thoughtful and wonderful. She gaev my name to her friends, and I got in touch with them and I am supposed to have an interview/chat/applicatio n process thing whatever tomorrow after I get outta that job that I just love, Quizno's.
Have I mentioned the bacon incidents? Yeah, I have been there for a little over a month now, I [b]"shouldn't be making any mistakes anymore"[/b]. I[b] "should know the sandwiches by now". [/b]I [b]"should know what type of bacon goes on which type of sub by now[/b]". Two screw-ups and boy I am just the scum of the earth! These people are insane. If someone never comes back to that Quizno's simply because they got bacon strips instead of bacon chips, well, they really need to check theyself. And if that's their big gripe about the world, then they are doin' good. And if the [b]CRAZY[/b] booses cannot see that, and continue to run this place like a goddamn factory-no-i mean a goddamned error-free (unless its them that made a mistake-that's o.k.-they're only human) machine-well, [i][b]I'M OUTTA HEAH[/b].[/i] Hopefully I get the furniture shop job. That would rock.
Hmmm....I keep wanting to come to the computer so I can write write write--but now that I am here-and it is late afternoon and I am tired--I just don't know where the inspiration is supposed to come from.
Here's some stuff i journaled this morning:

Oh yeah, I wanted to mentioni all the fantasies that surge through the non-stop movie reels of my brain. This happens to me most when I am walking somewhere by myself. Or sitting somewhere by myself. Like right now I want a cigarette so badly, and all I keep picturing is some hot little butch gal, walking up to this coffee shop, making eye contact with me, smiling. Walking into the shop. 3 mintues later walking out, pausing....Her strong hands curling around an equally strong cup of coffee...Walking up to my table and asking "is this seat taken?" Without even waiting for an answer, she sits down and pulls out a pack of camel lights. She tilts the pack towards my incredulous but calm face, I nod in silent approval. She takes two out, sticks one in her mouth, one in mine. She brings her scuffed-up Zippo to flame, and dances the flame to the tip of my camel. I inhale, sucking in the dry, familiar taste. My eyes are looking up at her from the angle my face is at--kind of a sly, "come on..." look. She lights her own cancer stick without flinching; without removing her big eyes from mine. I bat my eyelashes absent-mindedly. I am suddenly wearing a black maribou boa, my black flapper dress' beads are clinking against the iron chair I'm seated in. The sound is reminiscent of my old wind chimes. It is vaguely comforting. She is in a pinstriped suit, a crisp white button-up shirt with black leather suspenders. This Butch and I exhale at the same time, which incites mutual smiles.....

So I want a cigarette real bad, but no-one here is unhealthy enough. Everyone rides bikes or has very nice cars (Jettas, BMWs, old Mercedes, etc.). They're all drinking happy coffees and enjoying the prime of their 20s and 30s with bottled water and obssessively clean appearances. Even the slightly more "hip"-looking people have brand new browna nd yellow suede Adidas to match his brown and yellow Old Navy "vintage" t-shirt(or something entirely more expensive; couture and disgusting). They've got wrists swathed in those cool new sweatbands (cuz they weren't worn out in the 80s) and cell phones--gabbing with each other about new businesses, taxes, and their latest personal achievements.
I am just a Nervous Energy Person in the morning when I drink so much of this coffee that is more like crack thatn caffeine.

Beautiful Toilet, Here I come

03.28.04 (6:28 pm) [edit]

Holy shit.

Welllll, right now I don't have much time to rant so I'll just post something I wrote earlier. I was thinking about how I cannot stop feeding my face and sticking things in my mouth like coffee, drinks, cigarettes, food, chocolate, gum, ANYthing. I think its a throw-off of the whole "filling the void" thingn, but more than that, i think its all part of my neurotic ways of dealing with pain and depression and Lonliness...Just filling up the space that could be filled by someone close to me...

I am sick of my sickness
I am tired of wasting away
by myself
So lonely that it impedes any motivation
to go out into the world and meet others
So as to thwart The Big Lonely.
Vicious cycle.
I eat myself until I am
Nothing.
Are there any crumbs left
That I haven't already gotten my
vacuum-face into?
Hoover, me.

Yeah. Something like that.
Right now I have to pee so badly right now but I want to keep writing and I don't want to lose this spot at a puter.
Today, gp and i did some fun big art piece. gluing, nailing, poloroid-taking...It was fun. I keep wanting to be doing arts, so it was a good time. then we went and ate good cheap mexican food at a place that doesnt speak much english, and we don't speak much spanish, so it kinda felt like being in another country again for a minute. Fun.
Oh, the need to urinate is overwhemling....
The other night I met a girl. She is travelling, stopping in austin for who-knows-how-long. Staying at a friends' house. We walked the trail around the lake, we went to a toy store. it was fun, she is nice. we had a very awkward kiss that was not so great. Damn. Hopefully, it was just nerves or something...We were supposed to meet up last night but didn't call each other, so....we'll see what happens....Aat least it gives me hope!

Give Me A Day Of Rest-Or Give Me The Opportunity To Run Away

03.24.04 (3:00 pm) [edit]

Well, I still have'nt gotten my tbucks back, yet. Its kinda lame, cuz I wanna change some things. Whatev.
Man. I am so tired. I just wanna ferget about all this crap and move on. I don't wanna go to court, I don't wanna deal with truck-man, i don't wanna deal with the NY DMV anymore (i found out that my license shouldn't actually be suspended. my insurance lapse was only 20 days long, therefore, the stupid insurance co. and the DAMNED to HELL DMV of lovely NY state, has screwed me yet again. So now I am waiting for action. I have put the necessary swings in motion-I am waiting for Them to keep them going until I have had a satisfying ride on the 'ole gov't swingset. oy vay i hope they don't swing me over and around the top bar.....And no underdogs!!! Unless they want my angry feet to stomp them about. GGGrrrrrrrr i want a massage and a day at a fancy spa. Come on, whoooooo loves me??!!! Who wants ta be my sugarmama or daddy??!!! I know you're out therrrrre.......

Fuck The Gov't And All That Red Tape

03.22.04 (2:23 pm) [edit]

So i can get free legal advice--IF i qualify (which i probably do)--but i have to APPLY for it first, of course (just like food stamps). And, of course, there are only 2 one-hour sessions per week in which to apply. and i'd have to get on like 3 or 4 buses to get there. i hate the gov't. ONLY TWICE A WEEK. can you fucking believe it??!! actually, this doesnt surprise me at all--i know how much the gov't sucks and how state-funded anything sucks, and all the rest of it. it just pisses me off to no end. and i don't knwo what to do because it all seems like it'll take forever, and i am gonna need MONEY to "officially" not have any money-you know, it costs lotsa MONEY to go BANKRUPT!!!!! because this country is assbackwards. [b]AAARRRGGHH!!!!!!!![/b]

Women In Dreams

03.22.04 (6:03 am) [edit]

O.k....Just woke up...Keep dreaming about running away from fatal things...
It was again winter...In a city...There were many houses in that city that were rooming houses...Like big old victorians that held several families-mostly mothers and daughters. There was a festival going on in the city-everyone was getting ready to go ou to that. the clothing people were wearing was a mixture of modern stuff and victorian-era dress. i knew i was in boots...suddenly there were some people really freaking out on the street. they said something about a killer. we heard more as we walked on, from others. apparently, there was a killer or a few of them working together, killing people and then putting them in washing machines (or dryers??), and leaving them in peoples' houses while they were out or sleeping. we went back to our house, and sure enough, there was a big ole dryer with "dead human" in it-buit it looked like gigantic pieces of pepperoni (maybe that's from dealing with pieces of pepperoni at work). It was so scary. we looked all over the house for the killer, but we didnt see anyone. however, we knew that earlier we had seen a woman dressed in tight black clothing. and she WAS delivering our new washer and dryer...
Suddenly i could not find my mother. i searched high and low, got my sister to help. there were some dudes in the dream, but it was mostly women. Somehow, i found out that the killer was killing peoples' moms, mostly girls' moms. i freaked out and we got on the trolley and the buses, and kept looking for our Mom.
I don't remember if we ever found her....btu we let the town know what was going on...

O.k. Different dream-now i am the daughter of an old fisherman. this is definitely back in the day. we live in the countryside-only a little ways outta town. there is a river that tapers off around our property, but we can take our rowboat and take the river into town. i have long golden hair. i am beautiful and i know it.
some friends of my father's were in his rowboat with us. we came upon another boat, they were policemen. they were trying to make sure our boat was registered. we did not have a sticker for it. i dont think it was up to date. i suddenly was in the water, erotically rising up out of it...My thin white gowns clinging to my every curve. i could feel my nipples hard and visible against my dress. i was flirting HEAVILY with the main cop guy. he was short and pudgy and had dark hair and a bulbous nose. little beady dark eyes that turned into sun disks as they aly upon my soaking wet flesh...my tits were smallish and perfect. they let us go after a little while of me looking Piggie right in the eyes, him eventually looking away and blushing. The other cops were judt delighted to have run into us. but they couldnt do anythign too raunchy cuz my dad was right there. even his friends, though, were staring. he was proud of me, i think. and we got away with having no registration on our boat. Hehehehhhh......
:twisted:

Self-Inflicted Delusions of Pallid Angst? NO MORE!!! WHEEEEEE!!

03.21.04 (7:11 pm) [edit]

Honestly, i dont know why i started smoking those terrible cigarettes again. ever since the beginning of this summer (when i started up again after 4 yrs off of the damn things), i have been quitting on and off. its time again to let go of the lung pain and scratchy throat-ness. uhhhh, yeah.
well, today i spent some time with miss GP and a friend of our's. we went and had a little picnic down by the lake. it was so nice! we lay around on a dock in the sun and the breeze, watching canoers and crew-people rowing their asses off. someday, i will be on a crew team. that's the only organized "sport" i've ever been attracted to, besides basketball, which i mostly like just watching...only if its college ball...and [b]especially[/b] if its college [b]WOMEN'S[/b] ball. yup. mmmmmhhhmmmmm!!!!!

my belly is full of macNsneeze and frozen veggies. and ice cream. i think the cigarettes are just making me feel worse at this point, rather than better in any way. but i think i might give in to them when i'm drinking, which is o.k., cuz i havent been doing much of that lately. THIS bout of smoking death came when i was really depressed and upset a lot last month. i was drinking and smoking every night for a while, and therefore the cigarettes slowly bled into my daily, sober life routine. taking over my rational decision-making prowess. this, instead of just staying where they are supposed to stay; in the closet of booze and resentment. ahhhh, the bitterness of rejection. why must some of us always turn on ourselves at the moments when we should be hugging and loving ourselves the most?! shushing the demons and patting our own backs, giving ourselves props for still being alive and getting through whatever we're getting through? Instead, a lot of us (esp. women) just take it in and reverse the hate...Spilling alcohol down our throats, suffusing ourselves with guilt and the "I'm so stupid to have trusted _______!!!!! never again will I ______!!!!". Ooop-down the gullet with more trash. poisoning our bodies, stewing in our self-pity, building up walls of bitterness, fear and remorse that we call "Self-Defense" for "Next Time". You know??!!! Geez. [b]WHERE'S THE LOVE??!!!![/b] No more self hatred for me!!! I am great!!! And i know it and i will just love and cuddle Me until i find i am ready for more....

Anyone Out There Know Legal Stuff????

03.21.04 (11:14 am) [edit]

i feel like i am just drifting....i am not dealing with what i am supposed to be dealing with-i am so bad at that. i am a primo-procrastinator. but it happens to be the weekend, and big shots get weekends off,s o i can't really do anything about it anyway. i need to find some free legal adivce...hopefully the county or state gov't has somethign to offer me. then i have to find out how and if i can go bankrupt. then i have to get ahold of the guy who's truck hit mine (but its my fault), and tell him to Yes Go Ahead And Sue The Big Shit Right Outta Me, You Scumbag. I Don't Have a Damn Penny To My Name, Let Alone Any Assets, So Go Ahead And See Where It Gets You. Etc. then i have to find a serious bus schedule, and another job. my life is crazy right now. at least GP is an amazing help to me. she carts me around like nobody's business. i cant wait to get paid on wednesday. i'm gonna pay rent and phone bill and then i'm agonna do something Good. Fun. Something That Counts. we'll see....
i am just pleased by the warmth and companionship that these dogs give me. i am so in love with them. i wish i could have my own, but you know what? it seems to me that the only people who are deserving of dog-companionships are the people who absolutely cannot afford it any time soon. its really shitty. i would be a good mommy-if only i had the money (better and fulltime J-O-B) and time....well, i might have the time. but not the latter. as is life as of now. oh well. someday i will have a little lovebug to cuddle and play with....i love how these dogs liek to curl up and sleep on our clothes. they love us. and i am getting excercise! yay! its all over tomorrow, though.

still strange dreams...can't recall specifically...but i know that i sure did have wierd feeligns when i woke up this morn. really wierd. what's going on with my head these days? maybe its just the stress and the period blood time. or i'm insane. yeah, probably that one.
:twisted:

i would like a copy of that yeah yeah yeahs cd. for a while i didnt hear them or intentionally listen to them cuz they were so popular, i really thought they'd just disappoint me and suck. but i do like them. a lot. so i wanna be able to hear them whenev. gotta find access to a burner.
lord, i am [b]BORING[/b] today, non? oui. i'm outta heah.

Poop, Crickets, Iams, Kenny Rogers.

03.20.04 (9:58 pm) [edit]

Well, back in effect, y'all. It's 11:34 on a Saturday night, and I am blissfully hanging out with dogs and myself. I just watched an '80's movie with Kenny Rogers and a 16 yr old Diane Lane, called Six Pack. It was awesome, of course. It was totally terrible, therefore, [b]awesome[/b]. The tape was labeled "Runaway Bride", so I thought I was getting myself into some cheesy-ass Juila Roberts romantic comedy shit, but lo and behold, I was confronted with a gold-chain, sweat suit-wearing Kenny Rogers...Playing a race car driver. It was destiny. They mentioned Dale Earnhardt (he was a "racer"), and actually Michael Moore worked behind the scenes. I dont know if its THE Michael Moore, but I bet it was, cuz that's how life is. It was great.
I am sleepy but I really wish I had the energy to tell about my fucked up dreams last night. Involving me in Ithaca in the winter...I was not me, though. I was some girl who's father molests her, so I found a gun and was shooting at him one night when I couldnt take it anymore, and my sister and brothers were all around and my sister was holding him up and he was bleeding and wearing a flannel plaid shrit. I ran outta the house (giant house that was falling apart-WHERE were we? I think upstate, but not Ithaca yet). I took off running, in my nightgown and bare feet(?). My sister came after me. We were running away, I'm pretty sure. We were afraid he would kill us if he found us. We were running down a street, but it was more like floating really fast-and we came upon a little lake or river, and a golf course on its shores. There were some trees, and we tried hiding in and around them and some bushes, but we could still be seen by anyone on the road. Finally we found a broken down old fence, but it was still high enough for us to hide behind. It was night, like I said, and now no linger winter but a muggy evening with cloudy sky (like its been here lately). We hear him catching up to us-and I think our mom or brothers were with him-I dont know if they were trying to let us knwo of his whereabouts, or if they didnt know why I went crazy....And that's all of that one. I remember the molesting....I rememebr being turned on by it. I rememebr masturbating earlier in the dream, thinking about "my father". [i][b]HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT??!?!!![/b][/i] WTF??!! Maybe its skewed memories from that movie I saw a few nights ago...That murder movie with Keanu Reeves and Cate Blanchett...You kniw how the crazy guy has those wierd dad issues? UUggghh. I just got chills.

Anyway.....I am just not feeling inspired anymore to write tonight. I wish I had had more time earlier, before Meghan came and got me.
Life withuot a car is hard, especially when you live just close enough to the grocery store to drive there and back quickly--but walking, being there, and walking back would take over 2 hours altogether, probably. All cuz the dogs ran outta food. And I absolutely[b] have[/b] to get Noah a buncha crickets tomorrow. Its been like 2 days since he was supposed to get his 1st dose of 'em (he's M's bearded dragon).
O.k. I gots ta poop. Good time to go. Peace to tha Middle East!!!! :!:

Looky Heah----but not finished...

03.20.04 (12:54 pm) [edit]

I am finally getting to dogsit M's babies. [b]I love these freakin' animals!!![/b] We go on hour or longer walks every day, and we hang out and love each other the rest of the time.[i] Weeeeeee!!![/i]
Last night I went to Cafe Mundi with GP for a big lesbo show!!! It was super-fab---as I heard it was to be-I was not disappointed. There was spoken word performance art stuff (very great), and some cool 2 chick band, and then the Tuna Helpers-the band we went to see. They were fuckin' awesome. I feel like things are finally happening here for me-the things I came here for...I am seeing what I want to see, and meeting good people along the way. Despite the[u][b] RIDICULOUS[/b][/u] messes I've gotten myself into since I've been here...especially my latest disaster. My car-crash-it-got-towed-no -longer-have-it-and-i-sti ll-owe-$3400-on-it. Cool.
Gotta run-be back later-goin out with Meghan.

Bloody Universe of Chocolate and Emotional Trainwrecks

03.16.04 (5:53 pm) [edit]

Well, I DID go out the other night, got real drunk and gave a hot chick ma numbah. but....Haven't been called yet. That's how it goes for me. I go on this BIG LONG DRY SPELL, then-**POOF**- I have to make big decisions between multiple people. Right now, I am in the Dry Spell part. Again. GAWD, could it get any lonelier??? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in my world, and there is really just no one that I am super-close to anymore. Well, actually, that's pretty much the truth of it. I am close with grrlpink these days, but not like attatched-at-the-hip close. This is probably the first time ever that I do not have a person that is inside my head as much as I am...Because I always had Meg (my bestly fiend), but things are just different these days. That's a-o.k. I mean, we hang out and talk and have fun and sometimes she's the only one who can save me from my Inside-Rot, but DAMN. I am really alone right now. Its kind of...humbling, as well as being a source of new life, as well as being just plain ole down right, wretchedly LONELY at times. I guess we all go through this. But wow. How painful it can be....
Officially didn't get that bookstore job that I so desperately wanted. Maybe they'll be hiring again sometime soon and they will remember how fabulous I am.
8)
I bought a new book today. And next week, I will buy another. I like to submerge myself in other lives when mine isn't going the way I want it to...

On the other hand, I DID start the Blood Gush today, so that could explain the emotional storms and whatnot...
GP is going to Sonic Youth. Wish I could go, too!!!
Alright. Time to go buy chocolate and cigarettes, cuz that's just really ALL I WANT right now...Besides the obvious.
Oh-I had some kickass guacamole today and I thought how good it would be slathered over a bar of chocolate...Yup. The Blood.
Blood
Blood
BLOOD.
tha ind.